Smallville Story
by DuMont
Summary: Story made by different users on a Smallville messageboard... Weird but HILARIOUS, and not finished, never will be, so yeah....


Clark enters the Talon.  
"Hey Lana!" Clark says.  
  
"Hey Clark, can I interest you in a cup of coffee?" Lana asks.  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"Actually, make that two cups of coffee!" Chloe says.  
  
"Oh hey Chloe!" Clark replies. Chloe winks at Clark and he winks back, grinning wildly. Lana stares in shock and then begins to pout.  
  
"Lana is something wrong?" Clark asks.  
  
"Oh nothing!" Lana replies sharply.  
  
"Hey Clark I just remembered I have 2 tickets to a concert tonight! I was wondering if you wanted to come?" Chloe asks.  
  
"Oh I'd love to!"  
  
"GREAT! I'll pick you up tonight around 7:00"  
  
"I can't wait!"  
  
Then Lana runs into the kitchen and Clark runs after her even though he knows that only employees are supposed to go in the kitchen.  
  
"What's wrong, Lana?" He asks, placing a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"What's wrong?" She spins around, frowning. "Isn't it obvious what's wrong? You've abandoned me for Chloe, that's what!"  
  
Clark smiles. "Well, Lana, it's like you said, everyone abandons you, so I'm just living up to it!"  
  
"CLARK! I can't believe you just said that!" Lana slaps Clark across the face, he doesn't even flinch. Lana whimpers in pain. "God, Clark! You hurt me again!"  
  
Ignoring the slap, he looks horrified, plops a hand over his mouth and says, "I can't believe I said that, either!"  
  
"I want my Mommy!" Cries Lana, then plops her hand over her mouth and storms out of the kitchen. Clark follows and finds Lex at the counter. He forgets the preceding conversation and asks Lex how he's doing.  
  
"Great," Says Lex with an evil grin. "Just plotting how to get rid of my father." He slaps a hand over his mouth, looking horrified. "CLARK! I did not just say that edit that out! I never ever said that!"  
  
"Ok calm down!"  
  
"What I meant to say," Lex begins, stuttering as though fighting his own mouth. "I'm p-p-plottttinnggg... my fffffatththerrsssss deaaaathhh."  
  
His hand goes over his mouth again, and Clark says, "Lex, you're full of it."  
  
Realizing that everyone is speaking their minds uncontrollably, Clark decides he'd better figure out why! Chloe comes in and figures out what's happened.  
  
"So I guess I don't need my journalistic instincts to guess what your incessant whining is about. I mean how can you go off like that after what you said to Clark in the hospital?" Says Chloe to Lana. "Clark i'll be in the car!" Chloe turns and leaves.  
  
Clark began to walk out to Chloe's car. The two of them could do some digging. Lana caught his hand.  
  
"Clark, please don't leave me. I need you." Tears well up in her eyes.  
  
"I know that I'm so hot and both of you want me, but I'm sorry Lana. You lost your chance. Now, it's Chloe's turn."  
  
Stunned, Lana watches Clark walk out. She then shouted after him. "I'll get you for this Kent! I'll GEEEEEEEEETTTTTT YOOOOUUUUUUU!!!" She then turns and thinks "I miss the bad Clark. He was so... RAW!" Lana stomps her foot and says, "I'm gonna find my Fairy Princess costume and cast a spell on Clark!"  
  
Lex frowns at her. "Grow up, Lana! You little wimp!"  
  
"Shut up, Lex! You know you love me too!"  
  
Lex smiles. "I think you're drop dead gorgeous!"  
  
Lana heads for her purse and says, "Don't all men think so?"  
  
"Not me!" Says a stranger at the counter.  
  
"What! Who's there!!!!!!!!? Who ever doesn't think I'm beautiful you better come out here now! Or else I'll cry!"  
  
Then a man comes from behind Lana. "It is I! Who doesn't think you're beautiful!" Lex's father replied. Lana stared at him, tears in her eyes.  
  
"You are such a meanie, Mr. Luthor! Why don't you leave me and my friends alone!?"  
  
"Ms. Lang, look around you. Your friends have abandoned you. Even Mr. Ross would rather be unseen than seen with you." Lionel had a nasty grin on his face. Lana's tears threatened to break any second and she ran into the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind her. Pete crawls from beneath a table.  
  
"Is she gone? Can I be seen now?" he asks just before he runs out the door in his brand new NIKE TENNIS SHOES.  
  
"AAAAHHH!" yells a voice coming from the kitchen. Lex runs into the kitchen and sees the back door opened...  
  
"Damn, Lana got kidnapped again!" says Lex. Lex looks around and realizes that no one is in the Talon anymore.  
  
"Dad?" Lionel is no where to be found. Lex shrugs his shoulders. "I already forgot what I was trying to tell them," he thought to himself. "It must not have been very important."  
  
Then the sheriff walks into the Talon and writes out a citation to Lana for leaving the store unlocked and the cash register open. She tears it off the pad, and storms out. Then storms back in and grabs a cup, fills it with coffee, looks around, and leaves without paying.  
  
In the mean time...  
  
Lana is being led into the back of a truck. "Get your grimy paws off me!" she yells at her kidnapper.  
  
"Shut up! Get your little pink, whiney, rear-end in there!" he yells as he throws her in. He closes the door and Lana is left alone in the dark. Lana cries and hopes that once again Clarkie will save her.  
  
"CLARK!!!!!! I NEED YOU! CLARK! CLARK! CLARK!" but no answer.  
  
Meanwhile, when Chloe and Clark are at the concert...  
  
"Clark, I'm having such a fun time!"  
  
"I am too." But before Chloe could say another word, Clark leans over and kisses her.  
  
"Clark?"  
"Sorry Chloe I just.... I just...."  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
"I think your really hot and I like you! ok?"  
  
"I never knew you felt that way.....I LIKE YOU TOO! Kiss me baby!" Then Clark and Chloe make out for the rest of the night.  
  
Lana continues to cry out to Clark in the dark. Realizing he isn't coming to her rescuse (yet, Lana told her self...of course he'll be here soon), she sits back and begins braiding her hair. The truck suddenly stops and Lana is shocked to see who her kidnapper is...  
  
"Oh, hello Ms. Lang!" says Morgan Edge, with a grin.  
"Morgan Edge? Aren't you supposed to be dead?" asks the brunette.  
  
"Um...well...I don't really know," says Morgan.  
  
By the way, how do you know my name?" asks Lana.  
  
"Um...--"  
"Where am I?"  
  
Morgan looks to his thugs and they put a bag over Lana's head. She's taken inside of a building.  
  
"What an annoying girl!" says Morgan. "Now...why did I kidnapp her again? Oh, right...Clark Kent."  
  
The thugs throw Lana, locking her inside a room.  
"Where the hell is Clark?! I wonder if he abandoned me as everyone does... first, my parents, then Nell, then my boyfriend, then that hotdog stand next to Smallville High, then my horse...."  
  
Hours and hours go by and Lana keeps listing the people who abandoned her. The morning arrives and Lana is still going down the list: "My clothes that got too small, my hermit crab, the snow..."  
  
The next morning, Clark receives a call from Lex, saying that Lana was kidnapped. Exasperated, he says "You mean I have to save that whining brat again?!"  
  
As Clark tries to think of an excuse to not do anything, Lana finally finishes her list  
"And last, my Spongebob mechanical pencil. Encore!!! First my parents, then Nell...." Lana hears the door of the room she was locked in open, and a thug enters.  
  
"Here's your lunch!" he says and puts a plate with chicken lasagna on the ground.  
  
"Hey! I don't like chicken lasagna!" says Lana pointing to her food.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. What do you want to eat?" asks the thug sarcastically.  
  
"Well, I would like some...--"  
  
"Shut up! I was joking! Eat it or starve!" says the thug as he leaves the room and locks the door.  
  
"You meanie!!!" yells Lana.  
  
Outside...Morgan Edge looks at his clock. "That Kent kid is a little late...."  
  
While that is happening, in the Luthor Mansion, Lex types "Plot 2.543 to kill my father: Give my father a lot of candy to eat, making him have cavities and his teeth fall out, leaving him toothless. So, he can't chew his food and can easily die of choking." Lex stops to think... "Nah, this will take too long!" And erases it...  
  
Clark and Chloe go into the Talon and see a lot of people in there, drinking and eating, almost full, even though the owner is not around.  
  
"Do you want something?" asks Clark after kissing her.  
  
"Sure! A cappucino..." says Chloe and sits on a chair. Clark goes to the balcony, picks up a coffee mug and fills in with coffee (what else?) and another with cappucino. He puts the two mugs on the table and they continue to talk.  
  
Clark sighs and says, "I guess I should try to find Lana.  
  
" Chloe takes a drink, then peeks over her mug, lifting her eyebrows. "Why?"  
  
Clark smiles. "Sure is quieter around here without her, isn't it?" said Clark. "It's also busier. But it's the right thing to do and I can't turn my back on that."  
  
Lex Walks in "Still around Clark? Either you've rescued that brat" He pauses a little for an answer, "or your reaping the benefits, which is it?" He questions. Clark looks at him blankly. He is about to answer when his cell phone rings.......  
  
"Yelllo?" said Clark as he answered his phone.  
  
"Clark Kent? I have something that may be of interest to you." said the voice.  
  
"What? Who is this?" asked Clark.  
  
"Lets just say...I'm a friend, of sorts. I have Lana with me."  
  
"Oh. I guess I should've known. Thanks for the info!" Clark hung up.  
  
"Clark who was that?" questioned Chloe.  
  
"I don't know and to be honest I don't care seeing as they have Lana." answers Clark.  
  
Lex replies, "Maybe I should........" He is interrupted by Clarks phone.  
  
"Look I thought I'd made it clear I don't want to be bothered now...." Clark blurts out into his phone befor he is interrupted.  
  
"CLARK KENT THIS IS YOUR MOTHER! DO NOT EVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE LIKE THAT TO ME, NOW COME HOME RIGHT NOW YOUR DINNER IS READY!!!" rattled the voice from the phone.  
  
"But Mom, I'm in the Talon and...."  
  
"I DON'T CARE! GET HOME NOW!" She hangs up the phone.  
  
Clark decides use his heat vision and burns down the Talon. He then ensures that everyone gets out safely.  
  
"Did you do that, Clark?" Demands Chloe. Clark's cheeks turn bright red.  
  
"I didn't mean to! You're just so hot that I lost control!"  
  
At this point, Clark puts on a red kryptonite ring that he found in the mens room in school and says "Chloe, before I rebuild the Talon that I accidently burned down with my heat vision, I notice there is still some coffee left in the perculator. Would you care to join me in a cup?"  
  
"I wouldn't mind joining you in a cup of coffee, Clark, but do you think we both can fit?" Clark looks at Chloe oddly.  
  
The Talon doors open quickly, and Pete comes barging in.  
  
"COOL! The Talon is on fire!" He turns and looks at Chloe who is trying obssesivly to get into a coffee cup.  
  
"You wanna make out?" Pete interrupts Chloe.  
  
"SURE!" Chloe walks out with Pete ignoring Clark.  
  
Clark makes his way over to Lana and Chloe's house.  
  
"LANA?" Clark opens the door, forgetting she got kidnapped. "My feet are freezing" He mumbles. He looks down at the two pink bunny slippers he has on his feet. He pulls the strap of his pink night gown back to his shoulder.  
  
"I was wondering if.." He is interrupted by Mr. Sullivan.  
  
"LETS HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY!" Clark says quickly, his reflexes telling him its Lana. "Oops." He mutters. Mr. Sullivan rips off his business shirt to show a sparkly purple pajama top.  
  
"I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to do the same thing! We can like do each other's nails!"  
  
"THIS WILL BE LIKE SO LIKE FUN!" Clark replies.  
  
"I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT! AND AFTER WE DO EACH OTHERS NAILS WE CAN DO MAKEOVERS!"  
  
"Why weren't we born female? We would have been perfect at being girls!" Clark replies.  
  
"Ding dong," the door bell interrupts them.  
  
"AAHHH!" Clark shirks in a girly scream.  
  
"WHO COULD IT BE?!" Mr. Sullivan replies.  
  
"I don't know! why don't you go check?"  
  
"I'm not checking you go check!"  
  
"No way! You!"  
  
"No you!"  
  
"No you!"  
  
"Okay, okay, if it will make you feel happy I'll go answer the door." Clark replies.  
  
"Wait! Hold on I'll go get my bat...just for protection, you never know who could be lurking around this neighborhood!"  
  
Then when Clark was finally ready to answer the door, he opens it slowly.  
  
"BANG BANG!" as Clark hits the poor person without even looking first. Jonathan Kent falls into the lawn.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Dad, I'm so sorry!" Clark says, helping his father up.  
  
"It's OK," Jonathan says. "Your mother sent me to look for you, but who cares? Can I join your slumber party?"  
  
Clark says "Actually I've just remembered I have to rescue...ermm...whats her name?"  
  
Mr sullivan adds "Lana?"  
  
Clark "Yeah thats the one. Why did you have to remind me? I probably would have forgot!"  
  
Jonathan says, "Well just be careful son, you know there's a Luthor behind this."  
  
Clark "God, Dad, I'm not a child anymore, and I think I can look after myself. I mean after all, I am super-human."  
  
Mr. Sullivan says, "Thats what you think!" He pulls out a green rock.  
  
Jonathon curses, and Clark, writhing in pain, asks, "Why are you doing this??"  
  
"Because I don't want Lana back here!"  
  
"Fine then...I won't rescue her!"  
  
Gabe thinks for a minute. "Oh... OK." He puts the rock back in his pocket.  
  
"Just kidding!" Clark says, and then takes off at lightning speed!  
  
After Clark leaves, Jon changes into pajamas with a pink sparkly spaghetti strap and skimpy shorts that have "Princess" written on the shirt. Then Gabe and him start painting eachothers toenails. 


End file.
